“If children live with fairness, they learn justice... If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient... If children live with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world...” ~Dorothy Law Nolte

Resilient children demonstrate an innate basic optimism. Through their life’s experiences, 
resilient children learn to develop a sense of confidence in their ability to exert control over their own challenging circumstances (as opposed to being helpless in a hostile environment). So how do parents go about fostering resiliency in their children? By paying attention. Children give clues to parents, which if followed, will lay the basic and necessary groundwork for the development of resiliency.

In the beginning, infants look around seeking eye contact; not out of fear, but rather looking for an opportunity to establish a positive human connection. This first eye contact needs to be reinforced by responsive eye contact, and a smiling face, accompanied by a soothing voice. This sets up the first and most basic step in developing resiliency. The message received is that the world is a friendly place. An infant’s responsive smile serves as reinforcement to the parents that they are doing the right thing. Repeated positive contacts serve as reinforcement for both child and parent.

As a child develops and grows older, there will be a multitude of human interactions, each leaving their own impression. If the vast majority of these interactions are positive, resiliency is fostered and reinforced. This includes attempts to maintain positivity during such situations as the changing of the world’s worst poopy diaper, middle of the 
night awakenings, and even during times of parental domestic discord. Positivity in the eyes of the child is most important. Early on, the resilient child, with smiling faces, will be 
looking around, seeking human contact in anticipation of the next good experience that is about to happen.

During the toddler exploratory years, a child has the opportunity to get into a lot of trouble (and possibly also cause a lot of damage). To a certain extent, these situations can be “headed off at the pass.” Instead of: “No,” or worse yet: “Bad boy,” how about: “Let’s play with this rather than that dangerous, dirty old ….” Your phraseology can make all 
the difference. Later, on “bad days,” it is important that there still be some element of positivity. I am not recommending withholding necessary discipline, but you need to pick your battles: is it really that important, or not so important after all? And while I’m on this subject, a child should be given the opportunity to apologize for significant indiscretions. If one is having difficulty coming to grips with making an apology, then perhaps a little personal “thinking time” is in order, in their room, with the door closed. This is for thinking; it is not for punishment. After resolution of whatever the situation, a hug is in order. This goes a long way toward reassuring a child that they are loved and wanted. It also rewards a positive conclusion to the situation. Never pass up the opportunity for a hug, even if you are “not a hugger.” I have always liked Dorothy Law Nolte’s, Children Live What They Learn (1969 version):

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy
If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate
If children live with fairness, they learn justice
If children live with security, they learn faith
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves
If children live with acceptance and friendship, they learn to 
find love in the world

It should also be noted that for (most) all resilient children, there is a lifetime association with a supportive and empowering adult. This person could be a parent, grandparent, teacher, coach, or even a doctor.